Throughout the movie “Better Off Dead”, the paperboy attempts to collect $2. $2 opportunely placed can produce a bountiful yield. A paper slinger is suddenly front page news. A pawn becomes king. From the time you buy the ticket until the drawing, you’re imagining the things the jackpot will afford you. Your chances of hitting it big are as good as a Cubs player making it to the World Series, without a paid admission. The business plan that has you investing a Thomas Jefferson to become George Jefferson is as cornball as George writing his wife a note – To Weezie.
A few years ago, the doctors at the movement disorder clinic kept telling me that I was depressed and needed to meet with a trained professional. The counselor I chose said, “When you play the game where your house is on fire, and you’re only allowed to go back to get one thing, and it can’t be a family member, what would you go back for?” I said, “That’s a game?” Intent on finding a question that I might answer, she asks what I’d do if I couldn’t fail. Put me in coach, game on.
Two weeks later, I told her that if I couldn’t fail, I’d make it so at the end of the day everyone had a satisfying meal and a safe, comfortable place to sleep. “Everybody?” Yes, everyone. “What about someone like Hitler?” Hitler gets it.
One of my plans for the lottery windfall will be to establish the take two foundation. Take two has at least five meanings.
- A deep breath to calm yourself.
- Your grandma said to take two – treat yourself.
- In baseball, it’s trying to stretch a single into a double – risk it.
- A do-over. A second chance.
- It’s what God told Noah.
My take two foundation will be a funding source for people who seek assistance owning a home or business. The old building and loan.
The next Tuesday, I showed up for my sit down comedian training and handed the counselor a compact disc. “This explains who you’re trying to get to know.”
click the blue title to hear the audio
Zero Mostel – Comedy Tonight This opened Laugh Damnit, my college radio show.
Bob Newhat – The Nudist Colony I am not a nudist. I fancy myself a humorist.
Marion Lush – Good Times There had to be a polka.
The Who – Squeeze Box This one is harder to explain. It’s part polka related, partly the lyrics “daddy never sleeps at night”, and the banjo licks.
The Who – The Quiet One John Entwistle says it so well.
American Comedy Network – Mr. Cardboard Tube Funny every time.
Sesame Street – Five People In My Family It fits perfectly.
Weird Al Yankovic – I Love Rocky Road I may not be a good humorist, but I do love ice cream and I drove a Good Humor truck the summer of 1984.
Sabre Dance Somehow I keep the plates spinning.
How Can I Keep From Singing This is a serene song, but it screams at me.
XTC – Mayor of Simpleton “what you get is all real, I can’t put on an act, it takes brains to do that anyway.”
When a doctor asks if I think I’d be better off dead, I just say, “Not now, gotta cue up another record.”